TWD:Scherben, Shmerben

Looking back on it now, it seems clear that I was destined to not like these "scherbens," IF that's their real name, from the start.

Exhibit A: their name, which I cannot say without developing a ridiculous German accent.

Exhibit B: the fact that they are, actually, German, and it is a documented fact that I do not like German desserts. See also kugelhopf, or as I like to call it, "frustratinghopf."

Exhibit C: I don't generally like fried foods. The last time I fried something was two years ago, when I made these deep-fried candy bars. (Nothing says "I hate you, heart" like a deep-fried candy bar.) And it's taken me this long to recover from the experience of using all that oil to cook something.


Well, I guess I'm a slow learner, because I fried my little heart out this weekend, and all I have to show for it are these sugar-dusted cardboard shards.

Maybe it's me. Maybe I didn't roll the dough thin enough, or have the oil at the right temperature, or maybe it's my subconscious prejudice against the German people and their fine, fine baked goods. But these...these were not gut.

Immediately after frying, once they'd gotten their initial sprinkling of sugar and cinnamon, they were okay. A bit bland, but crispy and fairly sugary. However, after sitting out for an hour or two, they were stale. Like, I did a spit-take into the trash can stale. Like, I couldn't believe that our mild-mannered apartment air could have such a horrible, near-instant effect on a dessert. Blech! At least they looked good:

In the interest of trying to at least pretend to be healthy, I baked some of of these scherbens (is that the plural?) instead of frying them, at the suggestion of the brilliant Caitlin. Well, it worked for her, but I was underwhelmed with the results. These bowls have the exact same number of scherben in them:

Yeah, I guess the oil is a necessary evil in this case. Ah well. I have had some medicinal chocolate to help me recover, and have bid a final auf wiedersehen to these scherben. Please remind me of this experience next time I want to make deep-fried Bavarian dessert pretzels or something.

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Cafe Volcano Cookies, or, What Am I Missing?

I am humble enough to admit there are a number of things in this world I don’t understand. Theoretical physics, for example. Or the differences between Marginalist and Instiutionalist schools of economic theory. Or the continual popularity and acceptance of Lady Gaga, lack of pants and talent notwithstanding.

To this list you can now add this week’s Café Volcano Cookies. It’s a meringue cookie…but you don’t whip the egg whites. They’re full of nuts…but when you bite into them, it’s like you’re eating air. They have volcano in the title…but there’s no lava involved whatsoever. (Okay, so you can scratch that last one.)

Other people who made these cookies used words like “pleasantly surprised” in reaction to them, so I put aside my reservations about such a flimsy ingredient list and gave it the ole college try…after reading the instructions about two dozen times. I was sure I was missing some crucial step or ingredient. All you do is toast some nuts, add sugar and egg whites, stir it all together in a saucepan for a few minutes, then dollop the gooey mess onto a cookie sheet and bake? And somehow, from the ashes of this baking disaster, like a phoenix, delicious cookies arise?

Where's the beef?

Not in my kitchen, sadly enough. I was not feeling these. I added cocoa powder instead of coffee, but they still tasted like…nothing. Sort of nutty, very sweet, crumbly air. I thought of dipping them in chocolate, but that just seemed like throwing good money after bad, and especially during this time of year, there are so many other, tastier things to be blowing my diet on.

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